my winter anxiety
Lately, I am feeling really overwhelmed. I suppose there are a few reasons for this, given the instability of my current situation. I have no idea what my fate holds, nor how the destruction of so many of the anchors of my existence up to this point will affect me.
But even from the hazy confusion of someone like me, who lives in constant episodes of dissociative identity disorder, I can find some light and extract useful information because… because I am not an idiot. So I can navigate through the darkest personal fog thanks to my previously acquired knowledge of my surroundings, my other senses, a map, a compass, and a few other things.
However, the second quarter of the 21st century offers me a rather confusing view of what lies beyond my physical senses. I dont live lost by the oppressive darkness of ignorance; rather, my times subject me to an immense amount of information, from which I can find documentation that explains any fact or its opposite.
But I believe that biology and experience have granted me a certain capacity to calmly observe and discerningly draw a judgmental interpretation of reality that those around me seems to elude, whose attention spans appear destroyed by addictions to modern cultural phenomena, and whose judgment is easily swayed by the weak, biased arguments of hegemonic positions. They buy into a vast package of simplistic ideas and measures that are not even expressed sincerely, but rather demonstrate a keen understanding of how to manipulate public opinion to achieve their interests.
It is precisely this tendency of ordinary people to be intellectually subservient to the personification of these manipulative and well-established interests that has allowed them to consolidate their corporate and political power in every corner of the world. For me, it is clear that traditionally imperfect democracies are crossing the line into blatant dysfunction, and what someone might once defend as the lesser evil among possible systems is now a burden on humanity, bringing the Doomsday Clock even closer to its end. We have that monster so close to our noses that we can smell its pungent breath, reeking of stale authoritarianism, artificial polarization, and such blatant manipulation that I find it hard to believe we accepted it.
But the possibility of stopping that monster no longer exists. What separates the stable vulgarity of our current mediocrity from a disgusting state of violence and fundamental lack of vital resources is completely beyond our control, for it has been handed over to powerful men who would give our entire lives for a little more wealth, or to deranged politicians who make relevant decisions for all of humanity based on discreet personal pleasures or vain whims. These people can generate an economic crisis that condemns me to die of starvation, or even disappear along with millions of others in the shadow of a nuclear apocalypse.
Someone might tell me it is always been this way, and while the distribution of power has always been unequal, there is something truly different: the way stupidity is a constant part of our interactions and permeates every level of society.
I feel utterly isolated from humanity whenever I see anyone acting as if everything will continue as it has in the past, as if under some terrible and fatal bias of compromise. As I see it, World War III has already begun, although many of its current manifestations are economic and digital battles. But, as in any past financial drama, the possibility of these manifestations becoming life-threatening physical problems is beyond my control; instead, it is involuntarily delegated to the whims of a powerful elite or capricious, egomaniacal rulers.
And this is indeed the fundamental source of the anxiety I mentioned in the first sentence of this text. Not so much because of my personal situation, though that plays a part, but because of the general drift of humanity, whose individuals, endowed at least in theory with the gift of intelligence, have proven themselves inadequate in every aspect, beyond creating poor entertainment and granting power to deplorable individuals.
In my particular situation, with the added disadvantage of dissociative identity disorder, part of me simply struggles to be wrong with the rest. I just want to sit down and enjoy my books and my little swords until my reality becomes unacceptable, and then end my life. Another part wants to fight back, struggle, and try to survive, but even that part, so critical and frustrated but much more rebellious, knows that its actions would surely be useless, and it would end up, despite everything, with the same fate as the uncritical and docile masses.
From the window you can see snow, and people say from their heated rooms that it is beautiful. I, however, see the cold announcement of an unpleasant and painful near future.
But even from the hazy confusion of someone like me, who lives in constant episodes of dissociative identity disorder, I can find some light and extract useful information because… because I am not an idiot. So I can navigate through the darkest personal fog thanks to my previously acquired knowledge of my surroundings, my other senses, a map, a compass, and a few other things.
However, the second quarter of the 21st century offers me a rather confusing view of what lies beyond my physical senses. I dont live lost by the oppressive darkness of ignorance; rather, my times subject me to an immense amount of information, from which I can find documentation that explains any fact or its opposite.
But I believe that biology and experience have granted me a certain capacity to calmly observe and discerningly draw a judgmental interpretation of reality that those around me seems to elude, whose attention spans appear destroyed by addictions to modern cultural phenomena, and whose judgment is easily swayed by the weak, biased arguments of hegemonic positions. They buy into a vast package of simplistic ideas and measures that are not even expressed sincerely, but rather demonstrate a keen understanding of how to manipulate public opinion to achieve their interests.
It is precisely this tendency of ordinary people to be intellectually subservient to the personification of these manipulative and well-established interests that has allowed them to consolidate their corporate and political power in every corner of the world. For me, it is clear that traditionally imperfect democracies are crossing the line into blatant dysfunction, and what someone might once defend as the lesser evil among possible systems is now a burden on humanity, bringing the Doomsday Clock even closer to its end. We have that monster so close to our noses that we can smell its pungent breath, reeking of stale authoritarianism, artificial polarization, and such blatant manipulation that I find it hard to believe we accepted it.
But the possibility of stopping that monster no longer exists. What separates the stable vulgarity of our current mediocrity from a disgusting state of violence and fundamental lack of vital resources is completely beyond our control, for it has been handed over to powerful men who would give our entire lives for a little more wealth, or to deranged politicians who make relevant decisions for all of humanity based on discreet personal pleasures or vain whims. These people can generate an economic crisis that condemns me to die of starvation, or even disappear along with millions of others in the shadow of a nuclear apocalypse.
Someone might tell me it is always been this way, and while the distribution of power has always been unequal, there is something truly different: the way stupidity is a constant part of our interactions and permeates every level of society.
I feel utterly isolated from humanity whenever I see anyone acting as if everything will continue as it has in the past, as if under some terrible and fatal bias of compromise. As I see it, World War III has already begun, although many of its current manifestations are economic and digital battles. But, as in any past financial drama, the possibility of these manifestations becoming life-threatening physical problems is beyond my control; instead, it is involuntarily delegated to the whims of a powerful elite or capricious, egomaniacal rulers.
And this is indeed the fundamental source of the anxiety I mentioned in the first sentence of this text. Not so much because of my personal situation, though that plays a part, but because of the general drift of humanity, whose individuals, endowed at least in theory with the gift of intelligence, have proven themselves inadequate in every aspect, beyond creating poor entertainment and granting power to deplorable individuals.
In my particular situation, with the added disadvantage of dissociative identity disorder, part of me simply struggles to be wrong with the rest. I just want to sit down and enjoy my books and my little swords until my reality becomes unacceptable, and then end my life. Another part wants to fight back, struggle, and try to survive, but even that part, so critical and frustrated but much more rebellious, knows that its actions would surely be useless, and it would end up, despite everything, with the same fate as the uncritical and docile masses.
From the window you can see snow, and people say from their heated rooms that it is beautiful. I, however, see the cold announcement of an unpleasant and painful near future.